Back Talking Children

Back answering by children is often a source of frustration for many parents. Read how to deal with back talking by children. Behavioural problems in children differ in every child, but facing back answering from children is something all parents have to deal with at some point of time.

Smita was a worried mother. Her daughter all of four years had become a difficult child nowadays. She had started back talking to Smita many a time. When, Smita would tell her daughter, “Please put your plate back in the kitchen after eating”, she would get back replies like “I have better things to do.” These sort of replies were becoming more and more common by her daughter. Smita was worried and in a fix as to how to tackle this problem.

At some point back answering is done by all children. It can be frustrating to deal with and disrupts peace at home. Back talking is unacceptable behaviour and no teacher, relative or any other adult appreciates a disrespectful child. 

Back Talking by Children – Why it Happens?

Often children model behaviour that they are exposed to in their surroundings. Is your kid exposed to constant back answering and fighting by other people? If he is exposed to this kind of behaviour regularly, then you should do something to change it. If he is encountering these kinds of situations regularly, then it makes sense to change the environment and surrounding of your child. 

Back talking is just a child’s way of asserting their independence. It is a normal stage in child development. However, it must be controlled when it starts or it may become worse and out of control and soon become a habit for your child. These are some effective ways to deal with back talking by children.

How to Deal with Back Talking by Kids

According to an expert, observe your child for three days. Observe what your child said, what the situation was and how you responded back. See if you find a pattern.

Be a Good Role Model 

Yes, it is important to be a good role model for your child. Parents are the biggest role model for children. Very often, when you see very well-mannered and polite children a lot of credit goes to the parents. A well-behaved child with good values is not born by accident, it is the parent’s effort in raising the children well. Very often, parents themselves are sarcastic and rude in their behaviour towards their spouse or children, which the children copy.

Teach your Child Proper Communication Methods

Sometimes, a child may not know how to communicate in a proper fashion. Sit down with your child and explain to them appropriate ways to communicate. Teach them how they should ask for things respectfully. However, also make them know that just because they spoke respectfully, their wish will not be answered. 

Encourage Respectful Behaviour

Most of the time, we only point out the flaws and negative behaviour in children. Instead, watch when they are good and encourage them. Encouraging children reinforces them to behave in the same way. For example, “I really like your respectful tone” or “Thank you for listening to me so politely when I was talking, that’s shows you are a good boy.” 

Being Firm with Children

Make it known to your child that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. Tell him firmly that voice tone must be at normal levels. Screaming, yelling, using bad words and name-calling is not acceptable in the house hold. 

Back-Talk at Different Ages

Common back-talk by a toddler is usually “No!” and “Why?” Although, you might feel like screaming at your toddler, stop yourself. Do not show your exasperation. Sometimes, if he observes that you get irritated with this kind of behaviour they tend to do it more. A back-talking toddler is a sign that he is growing into his own person and his search for independence is really a cause to be happy about. 

Back-talk by school-age children is usually “You do not understand” or “It is not fair.” Children at this age are very concerned by what their peers think rather than what you think. A common back-talk by pre-teens is generally “What’s the big deal!” Back-talk by teenagers is generally like “Leave me alone” and “It’s all your fault.” 

Sometimes it is Healthy

However, parents should not over react every time a child questions something that they have said. Children grow by asking questions and challenging. 

Give your child the benefit of doubt. Maybe, he has a legitimate inquiry and is right. Listen to what he has to say, rather than ticking him off immediately. Parents should not label their child as rude or disobedient immediately. A child needs to know that he is safe to ask questions.

Argumentative Children

Every time a child or his parent wants something from the other, chances are an argument will break out. For tips on dealing with arguments, and your child’s tendency to argue about everything, read on.

Why can’t you ever understand me! You never listen to me! You’re ruining my life! I hate you!

If you’re a parent, you have definitely had your ears ringing with dramatic exclamations like the above at some point or the other. And you’ve definitely uttered the following kinds of warning phrases yourself:

Don’t you dare argue with me! Because I said so! Not a word more! NO!

Arguing children and frustrated parents are the norm in most households. Arguments between parents and children can be healthy provided they are not blown out of control. The best way to approach an argument is to listen to the side of child. Giving value to the opinions and suggestions of the child will prevent arguments from getting out of control.

The Tussle for Authority

Authority becomes a major issue between parents and children. We were all children once and have all gone through phases when we've accused our parents of being unreasonable, autocratic, dictatorial, lacking in basic understanding, even being the enemy whose main aim in life is to thwart our happiness. We've all sworn at some point that when we become parents, things will be different. But somehow, they rarely are. The minute people become parents it's like a switch is clicked on in their brains and they go into a 'we're older so we know best' routine which becomes the cause for unending struggles for authority between parents and children.

35-year-old Sudhir Sharma recalls, "My parents were of the old school. There was no question of arguing with them. Their word was law. I think the first time I voiced any dissent was when I went to college and I desperately needed a raise in my pocket money."

Different Disciplinary Approaches

Parents of the old school believed that it was their duty to guide their children and protect them from the pitfalls of life. Children were expected to do what they were told and arguments were frowned upon. Unfortunately, this leads to defiance, deceit and the breakdown of communication between parents and children. 

At the other extreme, you have the parents of the egalitarian school of thought who believe that children have every right to express their desires and opinions and that this gives a boost to bridging the generation gap. However, parents who subscribe to the idea that 'children know what’s best for themselves' may find that it backfires. Even though children may question your authority and play 'know-it-alls', that does not mean that they do not need parental wisdom and guidance. Leaving them to their own devices will confuse them and cause anxiety. They need to know that you will always be there like a safety net.

Parents need to adopt a middle-of-the-road approach that is neither dictatorial nor too easygoing. It is essential that children learn that they must respect their parents. At the same time, they must be made to feel that their parents respect their thoughts and opinions in return. 

Some Useful Tips to deal with Argumentative Children

Argumentative children can really try your patience. However, try not to lash out and avoid scolding them and punishing them. This will only worsen things.

Using phrases like "don't ask questions," "just do as I say," "because I said so," will put you and your children in an adversarial position. These are negative statements that will only serve to put their backs up and reinforce their belief that they are misunderstood and that they are being victimized.

Try to make them see things from your angle. Ask them how they would feel if you spoke to them rudely and disrespectfully, the way they speak to you. Try to open their eyes to the fact that it takes two to make an argument.

Admonish them if they are disrespectful, but try to do it in a constructive manner. Tell them that you are willing to listen to their point of view, but only if they lower their voices and speak calmly and in a polite manner. 

If the argument has developed into a full-fledged battle and tempers are running high, it is advisable to take some time out and for both sides to calm down. Tell your children that nothing is going to be achieved while you are both in this frame of mind and that you will discuss the issue when your tempers have cooled.

Make your children feel that you care about their opinions. Teach them to negotiate their demands without getting aggressive and argumentative. 

Take the trouble to explain your disciplinary stand to your children.

Don't be inflexible and rigid. Bend the rules on certain occasions if your children state their case convincingly and without becoming hostile and aggressive.

Are You Raising a Chatterbox

Shouting is unhealthy. Children must learn the value of soft, gentle, talk. Soft and gentle way of talking is soothing to the listener. It has an therapeutic effect. Here are some ways by which you can teach your child the importance of talking sweetly.

Make your child realize the impact of silence

The father of one-year old Manju once worried and brooded over his daughter's inability to speak in full sentences. A year later the man was seen annoyed over his daughter's constant and meaningless chatter. After three years, he was desperately finding ways to inculcate the habit of maintaining silence. 

Very often, we hear children talking nineteen-to-a-dozen. Each trying to speak louder and make one heard over the din. Screaming and shouting is a very normal way to attract attention, not just for children for adults too. Teachers scream themselves hoarse to a keep a class in order. Housewives nag their children while getting the homework done. Collegians shout at each other as a matter of fashion. Therefore, every individual creates excessive noise to be heard and registered. 

The practice of shouting is indeed unhealthy. Children need to be told the importance of keeping quiet and talking at a low-decibel volume. Otherwise, these highly talkative children grow into garrulous adults, which certainly do not make a civilized society. 

How it starts?

It starts at the very beginning. Parents expose their children to an environment constantly bombarded by words and sounds. Even before children understand or speak a language, they are encouraged to baby talk. Or worse still, children are left alone before a blaring television set, from where they internalize noise and din. Therefore, children tend to give excessive importance to the spoken word at a very early age. They don't ever realize the power of silence, the language of the unspoken word. 

Start them young

When your baby is just born, play some quiet soothing music in the background while feeding. Don't keep the television or music system blaring. 

Talk to your little one in a very soft, gentle and soothing manner. Do not allow anyone in your house to talk very loudly, or to argue in the presence of your child. 

Both parents should never incessantly talk gibberish to the child. Talking sweetly to the child does not necessarily mean loud babbling. 

Whenever you entrust the child with a maidservant or a watchman, try to check their language, intonation and volume. If possible, try to control their speech visa vis the child. 

As your child grows older, do not set a bad example by talking incessantly on the phone or talking aloud in a public place. 

Tips for an older child

Get Mahatma Gandhiji's three monkeys as a decoration piece for your child's bedroom. This will be a constant reminder of SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, and SPEAK NO EVIL. It is a value to be inculcated from the initial years.

Teach your child to speak only when spoken to in public. Let the child express feelings freely at home, but change the rules for public places. 

Tell your child to speak only when it is TRUE, KIND AND NECESSARY.

Show the ways to conserve energy by focusing on reading or the creative arts that help in shaping a human being. 

Stress outdoor activities during evening time. Let the child take interest in Nature, not television or video games etc. A fieldtrip into the wilderness can teach the child to appreciate the magic of silence and the sounds of Nature. 

Whenever a child achieves a small goal or assignment or target, do not encourage the habit of bragging. Children who constantly talk about themselves do not make good company in the future.

Introduce the child to a course on yoga and meditation to move towards a fulfilling life. It will also help in removing distractions and increasing the concentration level. The child will grow up to be a more focused, composed and less stressed adult.

Are Movies Influencing Your Child's Behavior

Few movies give out really good lessons on behaviour, civic sense or morality. However, some movies can influence child’s behaviour negatively. Read on to learn more about influence of movies on child’s behaviour.

Most movies that come out today are larger than life and are stereotyped or copies of each other. There are of course exceptions. Most parents do not think much before letting their child watch movies, as everybody needs some form of entertainment. But movies could be putting the wrong ideas in your child’s head and making him behave in odd ways. Here is how you can counter this behaviour.

How to Find Out if Movies are Influencing your Child? 

Let us have a look at few points which can help you to find out if movies are really influencing your child.

Focus on Wrong Things in Life

Does your child focus on the wrong things in life? Does he spend too much time in front of the mirror? Does he ask for too much pocket money? Is he obsessing over some girl in his class? Does he think smoking, drugs or alcohol is ‘cool’? Then maybe he is taking movies way too seriously. A heart-to-heart talk will help you decide if he is actually influenced by some movie he recently saw.

Unstable Behavior  

Children who are heavily influenced by movies tend to be distracted with studies, peculiar in social situations and emotionally unstable. If he is into the run-of-the-mill pop culture movies that only tell the story of a rich boy who gets the popular girl in school, then maybe you need to bring him back to reality. Children often get captivated by what they see in the movies and try to emulate the characters. Clothing could be another indication that the movies are wrongly influencing your child.
Studies show that most children in their pre-teen and teenage years believe what they see in the movies to be true. You need to remind your child that these are actors who are paid to perform and enact stories filled with dreams and emotions that the masses wish to see on celluloid.

Increased Aggressiveness in Behavior

Most aggressive children are fans of action movies. Action movies are also a big reason for teenagers driving rashly nowadays. If you catch your teenager driving rashly, you need to explain to him why this is only a temporary thrill and that it could result in accidents. Explain to him how movie sequences are just well choreographed and well-shot, giving it that extra glamour. Though your child will already know this, it is important that you compare real-life situations to reel ones so that he understands the difference.

Supervising What Your Child Watches 

Many parents today have realised that supervising what your child watches on TV is an effective way of controlling his influences. If he has a favourite TV show, watch it a few times with him to make sure that the show does not give out the wrong message. If it does, explain to him why the message is wrong and does not apply in real life. For example, movies can give a lot of wrong messages about respecting women, sex, love, work ethics, drugs and alcohol. You can easily stop these effects by talking to your child.

Check if the movies he watches are appropriate for his age. If they come with adult ratings, then insist that he may not watch the movie any time soon. Also, if you feel your son is watching the wrong sort of movies, it may be time to take matters into your own hands. Tell him what sort of ideas he should take back from a movie experience.

These are some great tips to make sure your child is not influenced by the movies. So until the movie makers get more responsible and give out healthy messages in all their movies, it is up to you parents to ensure your child remains unaffected!

Aggressive Children

Is your child very aggressive? If he hasn't outgrown aggressive behavior by the age of six, don't ignore it.

When a child shows aggressiveness, most parents tend to dismiss this as a factor of their age. "Oh, he will grow out of it," or "Boys will be boys" are common excuses for violent behaviour at a young age - and to an extent, these excuses hold true. Often children reach their peak of aggressiveness at around 4 years of age, and after around 4 or 5, they should start mellowing down. 

First of all, understand that most children lose all traces of violent behaviour as they grow up, but if such behaviour persists, it is a cause of concern. Parents don't realise this, and continue thinking that their child's aggressiveness will go away on its own. If you don't start paying attention to your child's aggressive behaviour even after he crosses the age of 6, chances are such behaviour may continue into his teens and beyond, and could even lead to delinquent behaviour. 

If you don't want your child to be the one sent home from school or expelled for assaulting a classmate, or put behind bars for pulling a knife on someone, get working on his aggressiveness early on, and channel it in the right direction. 

Identify the cause for your child's anger and aggression. The family situation has a lot to do with your child's ability to handle his emotions.

Fights at home 

Do you fight a lot with your spouse in front of your children? In doing so, you are harming your child's psychological well being far more than you realise. Also, what may seem like harmless spats to you will not seem the same to your child - and while you emerge from such arguments unscathed, your child will not. It may be hard, but work with your spouse to avoid creating a scene in front of your child. 

More serious fights will naturally have more severe ramifications. Warring couples often live together for the sake of their children, but what they may not realise is that their constant fighting will cause more damage than a clean separation will. Children will be happy when their parents are happy.

Anti-social behavior

As soon as you notice traces of anti-social behaviour in your child, don't ignore it. Doing so will only reinforce your child's belief that such behaviour is normal. Encourage your child to mix with others his age. Invite his friends over, and get him enrolled in activities that involve mixing with others, like tennis lessons.

Surroundings 

If you live in a neighbourhood where your child is exposed to violent behaviour, it will certainly have an effect on his character, and even excellent parenting may not be able to compensate for harmful peer influence. If you cannot afford to move out of a rough neighborhood, your next best bet would be to keep your child away from the neighborhood crowd, and do your best to be particular about who he hangs out with.

Love 

Your best bet would be to shower your child with love, and let him know that you will be always there for him.

Aggressive Behavior

Aggressive children are a nuisance for other children. They manifest extreme aggressive characteristics. Such children have also many other problems. Read on to know about aggressive children.

A 9 year old, wiry, active boy wore a crew cut with an ever-ready engaging smile, but he was a problem child. In addition to setting fire, he was chronically truant, had vandalized the school and even set off the school fire alarm. Speaking about the alarm, he noted, "this kid dared me to do it and I didn't think it was hooked up".

In the clinic waiting room, he got 2 boys to fight with each other by informing one that the other was saying things about him, and then he quickly assumed the role of peacemaker when an adult appeared. He spoke of his love for "little kids" and conspicuously held his baby sister in the waiting room, although his mother had both hands free and was sitting beside him. This boy was also a bed wetter. His main wish was for a "gang - for protection".

Aggression and bullying are problematic behaviors in childhood. They cause immediate suffering and can have serious long- term effects. School dropout, unemployment, depression, anxiety, criminality, reduced achievement and competence in adulthood are just some of the problems thought to result from being a bully in childhood.

Generally speaking, aggressive children manifest such characteristics as overt or covert hostility, disobedience, physical and verbal aggressiveness, quarrelsomeness, vengefulness and destructiveness. Children who exhibit aggressive behavior also tend to have a multitude of other problems. Lying, solitary stealing and temper tantrums are also common. Such children tend to be sexually uninhibited and inclined towards sexual aggressiveness. Hyperactivity and inattention are often characteristics of aggressive kids. A minority may engage in fire-setting, vandalism and even homicidal acts.

The problems that afflict aggressive kids affect their school performance and how they perceive themselves in the world. These kids are more likely to do poorly at school as compared to their peers. They also perceive their parents as rejecting them; their teachers as unfair and other kids as mean and bullying. They feel less happy, are more likely to have low self esteem and do not believe they can get help from parents and teachers.

Such kids usually come from a family setting typically characterized by rejection, harsh and inconsistent discipline and general frustration. Frequently the parents are unstable in their marital relationships, emotionally disturbed or even sociopathic and provide the child little in the way of consistent guidance, acceptance or affection. Many a time the child is unwanted and he knows it. This pattern is also found amongst kids whose parents have used bribery in an effort to control their behavior. Aggressive kids tend to come from low socio-economic backgrounds, with higher levels of violence. To summarize, problems in parenting skills and conflict in the home are the main contributing factors in producing aggressiveness in children.

In the 21st century, violence on television is an equally strong contributory factor affecting kids negatively according to psychological research. Three major effects of seeing violence on TV are:

Children can become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others.

Children may be more fearful of the world around them.

Children can become more aggressive in their behavior towards others.

As with any other problem behavior, the first step in treatment is prevention. Infants and toddlers tend to become aggressive in some pretty predictable patterns. Rough play, crowded conditions, being tired, hungry or uncomfortable can all provoke aggressive outbursts in a young child. When roughhousing with a youngster, keep a special eye out for the point where the " play aggression" moves beyond play. When young kids get overexcited, they are likely to forget the rules. Do not let their mouths get close to anyone else's skin and make sure they do not handle any dangerous objects. Take a pause every few minutes to calm everyone down and get emotions back under control. In a classroom situation, make sure there are lots of toys and plenty of space and time for outside play. Large motor activities are great for encouraging young kids to play together. Reward positive behavior when you see it. Hugs, gentle touches, sharing and co-operation should be noted and rewarded with lots of attention.

After working with young children for many years I have come to realize that the key to discouraging aggressive behavior is to help them empathize with others. I tell them to "touch gently" and "be nice"; I take their hand and help them touch the other person very gently. In addition to helping them develop more empathy, always give more attention to the hurt party when dealing with aggression in order to make the aggressors bid for attention fail.

Many acts of aggression are simply acts to get attention. It is best to ignore most misbehavior; however, this is not wise with aggression. Children are often simply exploring cause and effect- particularly their own power to cause reactions in the world around them. This is a wonderful path of exploration, but needs to be simply redirected down the proper path, not discouraged. Encourage them to hit a play nail with a play hammer, instead of hitting their sister. Encourage them to give a kiss instead of a bite. Show them that they do have the power to get your attention, but by doing good things, not by misbehaving. With this approach, kids will be able to resolve a lot of their problems and aggression will diminish. For very serious problems, counseling may be necessary to deal with the difficult emotions they are facing. The earlier the problems are identified and handled, the sooner they will be resolved.

8 Tips to Help Your Child Fall Asleep

You are sleep-deprived and tired with your daily work schedule, but your child just refuses to go to sleep. What should you do? Read on to learn a few tricks that can help you make your child sleep well all through the night.

If you have a small kid you must be well aware of the problems you have to face at night when you want to take rest and sleep well. Getting your child adjusted to a bedtime routine is also a very difficult task, but is one that you need to accomplish as soon as possible. After all, the benefits of good sleep are many. There are some tricks that you can try to make your child fall asleep thereby allowing you to get proper rest and sleep.

Help your Child fall Asleep with the following 8 Tips:

Follow a bedtime routine – You can start this right from the time your child is few months old. The sooner you start making him sleep at a fixed time, the sooner he will get into the routine. You can do this by making him follow a strict pre-bed routine: brush his teeth, change clothes, read out a story to him and then close your eyes and fall asleep.

Create a peaceful environment – When you want your child to sleep, you have to pay attention to the environment also. If you create an environment which is calm and quiet, it will ease your child and help him sleep well and soon. You can give your child his favorite stuffed toy to sleep with.

Involve your child- When you engage your child in the preparation of bedtime, he is less likely to create a fuss when you actually put him to bed. Let your child choose his own night clothes or pyjamas and arrange his blanket on his bed.

Stick to the routine – Children may not follow what you teach them, but they will follow everything you do. Therefore, it is very important to stick to the rules and routine yourself.

Lessen the time of afternoon nap – If your child takes an afternoon nap, make sure it is not late and the time period is also according to the age of your child. Make it a routine to help your child have some physical activity in the evening so that he gets tired and sleeps well.

Avoid singing or rocking your baby to sleep – Let your child sleep in bed, instead of a rocker and do not rock him or sing a song to him as a routine to go to sleep. This will be annoying if your child wakes up in the middle of the night.

Let your child pick the story – If your child likes to hear a story before sleeping, you can give him the leverage of picking up the story he wants to be read out to him that night. Also, if you fix the number of stories that are to be read at bedtime and follow it rigorously, your child will also understand.

Put your child to sleep before he gets overly tired – Although it is good for the child to get tired so that he sleeps well, make sure you start the bedtime process early before your child shows signs of weariness, as that will make him cranky and disinclined to listen to you.

If your child had problems in falling asleep even after doing all you can, he may be suffering from some sleep disorder. It is best to consult your doctor at the earliest if you suspect anything is wrong. Since children are different, finding a good sleeping routine can be frustrating. But once you find what comforts your child, you will never be deprived of a good night’s sleep again and both you and your child will have apt rest and sound sleep.